Allowing Myself To Get Lost
Answers are not always the answers you want to hear, but they are the right answers.
My journey. Where to begin...this year has been the most dramatic of all my years. I have and still am, learning a lot about myself and others.
I have learned:
- I need to allow myself to be broken
- I need to allow myself alone time
- I need to love myself
- I need to learn, mistakes happen but tomorrow is a new day and so long as I learned from my mistakes, then I am happy to continue to make them - as it is how I will improve.
- It is alright to cry, in fact, it is necessary
- It is okay to be lost, in fact, go - get lost and rediscover yourself
- Just because you are fine today does not mean that tomorrow won't be a day full of tears and confusion
A year ago, I would have never in a million years looked at who I am today and recognize her as my future self. I have done things this year I never thought I would have. I have gone home and spent a week on my parent's couch crying. I have called family to just vent and ramble on. I have asked others to be my support system. I have cleared people and things out of my life that no longer serve a purpose. I have tried to sit with myself and be brutally honest.
I have been ill for almost ten years and this past year I tried to express my overall health concern to my closest family and friends, but I think they did not understand the seriousness. I was always the strong one of the family and so they figured, okay, she isn't feeling well today, this is Nicole. There is no way Nicole is not going to just kick this SHIT in the ass! She is a survivor. She is determined. She is persistent. She gets what she wants, because she never takes NO for an answer.
The problem with all of this, this time I lost my way and I was very serious when I told those closest to me that I physically felt exhausted and mentally, mentally I was past exhaustion.
I have had plenty of changes and time to think and I have to realize some of my thoughts:
- I do feel like I don't have many, if any true friends. I mean, I have many of people around me, but who is really always there for you? Maybe this is me expecting too much from others, but I would define a true friend and someone always there - thick and thin.
- I find I am confused on how others live this thing called a normal life.
- With my illness dictating what I do and do not eat - especially with my drastically limited diet the past 7 months... I have NO idea what is normal to eat anymore and what portion sizes are sufficient and what is stuffing myself past necessary. Not to mention, I don't remember what foods I enjoy.
- I am insecure in my body. 6.5 out of 7 days a week, my stomach is acting up and typically rather bloated. This makes me feel fat and uncomfortable in my skin.
- I am socially awkward. I came to realize this when I began sitting back and watching how others reacted around me. This is probably because I shut myself in because it was easier than dealing with my illness (which if anyone could ever give me a real diagnosis of what this mystery illness is....much appreciated, thanks).
- Finances scare the crap out of me! I've spent 27 years watching my dad work like a dog, and for what? In the end, there is nothing. No legacy, no income, just a man who appears to be burned out and maybe even a bit relieved that everything is done and other with.
- In healing, I do not need to have the perfect body
- I need to stop comparing myself to others
This journey that I am on - It is nowhere near being over. I have come to accept that and embrace my brokenness.
My goal is to rediscover myself. Who I am? What makes me happy?
I do know some things make me happy:
- Sunny days
- Being outdoors
- Candle light
- Yoga - although this can be a love hate relationship some days :)
I need to develop a plan - just like I do with EVERYTHING else in life. I see a problem and then I step back, create a plan and tackle it! How can I relearn how to eat? How can I learn what is means to be normal? When I figure this chapter out, I will update you.
Here is a note to all of those around me. I am okay. I am broken, but that's not always a bad thing.
Some days I feel defeated but other days I know I can come back and be just as powerful as I always was. Everyday is a new day. Everyday is a chance to embrace something beautiful.
You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you. -Isadora Duncan