How Kitchari has become a way for me to create family

I'm still on this healing journey and I spend many of days feeling sorry and low about myself and the world around me. Some days I live in constant fear: fear of people, fear something bad will happen, fear someone or something will be taken from me - fear I left the oven, lights, washer, etc on...

Other days I am able to pull myself from this black cloud (or what I refer to as my Eeyore days) and realize that it is all okay. I am in a healing process and I just don't have room for others to love me (family, friends, significant other) until I love myself.

I'm focused on diet and exercise as well as mind and body.

I have found myself a place that I call home.
I have found myself a way to engage more and enjoy work more.

I need to learn to embrace all my "failures" and health struggles so that I can heal.

I watch other people, I am a big people watcher, and I wonder how do they do this thing called "life"? What is life? What is it like to surrender yourself completely to others?

On my Eeyore days, I find that I feel like I do not have friends and that my family has their own shit going on and cannot always baby my needs. I tell myself, I need to be a lone-ranger. I have to do this on my own. It's the only way it can be done and I just have to suck it up and do it.

I try to put myself in social situations and I find that I currently get a bit of anxiety on this subject matter. Mainly because I feel people are staring, judging, and already creating a profile of me that is just not true. I think I scare people. Maybe I appear unfriendly or maybe I portray an anger face?

People who I thought were my friends, I find that trying to engage them in social activities is like making them go to the dentist. They do it because they want to maintain their health, but really they don't enjoy it. Therefore, I have started to pull away from people more and more. I have yet determined if this is a good or bad thing, but it is what is happening today.

So I stick to my routine and keep my mind as clear from negative thoughts and worries as possible.
I wake up.
Enjoy yoga
Shower / prep for work
Head to work
Accomplish work
Head home
Get a nice walk in
Chat with Nana, Dad, or some other family / friend
Head home and great ready for the next day
Daily massage
Shower
Dinner
Downtime - this is new and something I am really focusing on. As I still find it difficult to have downtime.

On my good days, when I am thinking clearly. I question, how did I get this bad? How could I have lost myself so much? Then I remember how sick I have been with zero answers from the medical world. How my body is beginning to shut down, my hormones are not aligned (which affects your mood) and the abusive relationship I had shut myself into.

In being kind to myself. I know I will find myself and perhaps an even better version than I once was, or from what I can remember, the person that I was...

I have started feeling better and it's funny the little signs that I see as my way of healing:
-Wanting to update my wardrobe so that I am no longer dressing like a homeless person. I remember being very admin about "you dress for the role you want to play".
-Wanting to get my hair done (again, need to look sharp for yourself and others).

I have taken up some work exchange at my local yoga studio. While I don't get to engage socially during these hours, it does give me a purpose. The lovely couple who owns the studio are unique in that they are true to themselves. They live and run their studio by their own beliefs and values. They are genuine, raw, legit.

We have started sharing stories on Kitchari,I was surprised that someone else actually heard of Kitchari. Many times when I mention Kitchari or Moong Dal people look at me like I am speaking a foreign language. Recently, I have become a tad more creative in my Kitchari recipes.

I am also finding Kitchari to be a comforting food to me. I used to look forward to the weekends as these became my "cheat" days or non-routine days. I can't really call them "cheat" days because I do not eat "bad" food just food that doesn't work for my current healing process.

I would make large bowls of warm fruit or banana whips for breakfast on these "off-days" but now, I find I really just enjoy my routine and my body does as well.
Breakfast - Kitchari
Lunch - Squash soup made with oatmeal and a side of steamed squash dressed in spices
Dinner - Open but typically nothing too hard to digest.

My routine has become my friend and comfort which is good and bad. Good that I am finding comfort bad that I am a bit less flexible in my ways.

I'm excited to see and document my next progress, be it good or bad, on this healing journey.

xoxo



Comments

  1. It's dangerous to look at others. Not that I know how, but I do know that I have to figure out my life on my own, not by looking at others. Because I am unique, as are you my friend. Sorry I've not been around. Living a surfers life, a life in which acceptance requires only that you show up. I know this because the real ones acknowledge me, even though I'm a really bad surfer! Hang in.

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